My Life Is A Sitcom
by NAster
Summary: UPDATED! The mad scientists, Era, Epoch, and Eon, are continuing their experiments, which might present a problem for Team Lightyear...R&R.
1. Chapter 1: My Life Is A Sitcom

**Authors Note** You'll need to think back to the episode where Buzz and Warp get those implant things and are tested on by those Chlorm scientists. Anyway, at the end of the episode the three decided it would be interesting to test the differences between men and women. Can you see where I'm going with this? Also, this is my first fan fic ever *tear* so if this story stinks and I have no sense of humor, please be nice when you review. If you do like it *hope that's most of you* the faster you review the faster I put up the next chapter. Oh, and these characters are all property of Disney and Pixar, not me. Well, enough jibber-jabber on my part, on with the story.   
  
"My Life is a Sitcom"  
  
It was another action-packed day in the galactic alliance. Buzz Lightyear tapped his fingers unrhythmically on the dashboard of 42 and looked over at his copilot, Mira Nova. The Tangean propped her elbows lazy on the ship's dashboard, laid her head in her palms and yawned. Buzz turned his head to get a clear view of the two other rangers in the bridge. Booster was staring out the window into space, oblivious as to what was going on. XR's metallic eyes were fused shut, and his mouth opened to release a soft snore. Buzz looked back out into the endless mass of stars the were slowly moving past. "Okay, so it's a bit of a dull morning," Buzz thought to himself, "but something should happen any second now..."  
  
As if on cue, a high-pitched beep sounded from 42's intercom, making the four rangers jump out of their seats. "Wha...Oh, red alert, I got the fire extinguisher!" XR snapped out of his slumber and pulled a large, red can out of nowhere. Pressing down on the nozzle, a huge fountain of white foam shot out into his face. He had held the fire extinguisher the wrong way.  
  
"XR!" The rest of Team Lightyear said in unison.  
  
"Sorry," XR hid the can sheepishly behind his back.  
  
Buzz Lightyear pressed the button on the intercom, "What is it, Commander?" Buzz asked, as the image of his commanding officer appeared on the screen.  
  
"Buzz, we've got another emergency down at sector twelve," Nebula replied.  
  
"Any details you'd like to run by us..." Buzz hinted.  
  
"Like whose kitten got stuck up a tree this time," XR added.  
  
"XR, be quiet," Booster hissed.  
  
"Sorry, rangers, I have no clue what the emergency is," Nebula replied, ignoring XR's remark.  
  
"No problem, sir, we'll take care of it," Buzz said, trying not to notice that Mira was rolling her eyes.  
  
"That's what I like to hear. Good luck, rangers, over and out," Commander Nebula's face disappeared from the screen.  
  
"Great," Mira said, sarcastically, "now we get to fly hundreds of miles out of our way to rescue some cat."  
  
"Come on, guys," Buzz said, "we don't even know what the mission is yet."  
  
"Buzz, this is sector twelve we're talking about. When has it never been about rescuing kittens off of tree branches?"  
  
"Actually," Booster cut in, "there was that one time when that old lady couldn't open that pickle jar."  
  
"How is that any better than saving a dumb cat?" Mira asked.  
  
Booster shrugged, "You asked for something different, not better."  
  
"Listen team, we're rangers, and rangers never..."  
  
"Buzz, please, I can't take another 'ranger' speech!" Mira interrupted.  
  
"Well, if you'd quit complaining about the job in the first place..." Buzz began.  
  
"Guys!" Booster yelled. The two rangers looked back at Booster, giving him their attention. "Do you HAVE to fight about this, it's bad enough that we got this mission in the first place."  
  
"See, he agrees with me," Mira pointed to Booster.  
  
"I didn't say that..." Booster said, starting to panic.  
  
"No, he's agreeing with me," Buzz argued.  
  
"Can't we just get this mission over with, without arguing!" Booster threw up his hands in protest.  
  
"I'M okay with that," Mira said, glaring at Buzz.  
  
"I've BEEN okay with that from the start," Buzz said, glaring back at Mira.  
  
Buzz and Mira reached for the ship's controls and 42 raced off for sector twelve, it's pilots calm and cooperative.  
  
**************  
  
"You are the most conceited, egotistical, irrational..." Mira shouted at the top of her lungs.  
  
"I'm irrational! You're nothing but an arrogant, stubborn..." Buzz shouted back.  
  
"Stubborn! Look whose talking about stubbornness."  
  
In the back of 42's bridge, Booster and XR sat with their hands over their ears, trying to muffle the heated argument up front.  
  
"You think we should try and stop this?" Booster said to XR.  
  
"What?!" XR yelled.  
  
"I said, 'SHOULD WE TRY AND STOP THIS?!' " Booster strained to be heard over the noise.  
  
"What for?" XR yelled back.  
  
"XR, this isn't one of their normal fights, they've stopped using real words."  
  
"Booster, they never use real words."  
  
"Okay, you've got a point, but they still have to fly 42..."  
  
"They're doing fine, they can multitask."  
  
"XR, are you scared of getting between those two?" Booster grinned as XR's metallic eyes got wider.  
  
"Don't be silly," he said nervously, "I just think they're much better off taking their anger out on each other and not me!"  
  
At this point, both Buzz and Mira had forgotten why they were arguing in the first place, or what they were yelling, or that they were supposed to be flying 42. They just hurled undiscernible insults at each other with a growing intensity. It was Buzz who shouted the first recognizable word.  
  
"PRINCESS!" he shouted at the top of his lungs. For a brief moment the entire bridge was silent.  
  
"That was a mistake," XR said to himself.  
  
"What did you call me?" Mira asked through clenched teeth.  
  
"Don't say it," Booster whispered.  
  
"Princess," Buzz said, mockingly.  
  
Mira's eyes narrowed. "Here it comes," XR said, quietly. Booster covered his eyes with his hands.  
  
With a barbaric yell, Mira leaped from her chair onto Buzz, throwing her fists wildly at him. Buzz managed to grab her wrists and hold them firmly. As Mira struggled to get her hands free, they both toppled out of the chair and onto the floor. Booster and XR watched in amazement at the two rangers rolling on the floor of the bridge.  
  
"NOW should we break this up?" Booster asked XR.  
  
As if in answer, a red laser shot up from the rolling mass of white and headed for the two other rangers. Booster and XR ducked just in time for the laser to zip over their heads and embed itself into the wall behind them. They both looked up at the charred hole in the wall and then back at their dueling comrades, who were completely ignorant to the fact that one of them had almost shot XR and Booster.   
  
"I'm not breaking this up, you break it up," XR said to Booster.  
  
"There's no way they're gonna listen to me, you break them up," Booster replied.   
  
After a few more moments of intense battle, Mira managed to pin Buzz to floor face-down, with one arm twisted behind his back. Mira was sitting on his back, her hands pressing Buzz's arm down into his back.  
  
"Take it back!" she yelled.  
  
"What's the matter, princess, can't you..." Mira pushed on Buzz's arm as hard as she could, making yelp in pain.  
  
"BUZZ AND MIRA!" Booster and XR yelled in unison.  
  
"What?" Buzz and Mira yelled back, their heads snapping up to glare at the other two rangers.  
  
"Ummm...who's flying 42?" XR said, pointing at the foreign moon their star cruiser was about to crash into.  
  
Mira released Buzz and they both scrambled for the controls. They both grabbed a lever at the same time and began fighting for it. 42 swerved sharply in a thousand different directions. Booster nervously bit his nails and XR covered his eyes while chanting, "I'm not here right now. I'm not here right now." The lever Buzz and Mira were fighting over finally snapped, the broken end still held by both of them. For a minute, 42 stopped midair, the two pilots stared at each other and the broken lever with disbelief. Then, 42 dropped straight down towards the strange moon.  
  
**To Be Continued. I know I didn't say anything about the Chlorm scientists yet, but don't worry, it's coming.** 


	2. Chapter 2: Blackout

**Author's Note** Thanx to everybody for their reviews. I really appreciated them. Some of you even have your own predictions on what's going to happen. We'll just have to see how it turns out! Oh, and I don't own Buzz Lightyear etc. etc. etc.  
  
Chapter 2: Blackout  
  
Star cruiser 42 dropped towards the moon like a skydiver thrown out of an airplane. Inside, several alarms were going off as Team Lightyear desperately tried to stop 42's rude aquaintence with the rocky terrain of the moon. At least Buzz and Mira were, Booster and XR were screaming and clutching each other for dear life. The moon quickly came closer and closer till they could see the individual rocks making up the moon's surface. Then, without much warning, 42 slammed against the ground, sliding and twisting into the hard soil. The rangers were mercilessly thrown in their seats like rag dolls. The star cruiser finally lurched to a stop.  
  
"Everybody okay," Buzz asked. As soon as he did, four air bags popped out, gluing the rangers to their seats.  
  
"Well, we were," Mira said, pushing the deflaiting air bag off her.  
  
"XR, what's the damage to 42?" Buzz asked, trying to ignore Mira. The little robot hopped over to the keyboard on the side of the ship and began to fiddle with it.   
  
"Uh, do you want the good news, or the bad news?" he asked after a few minutes.  
  
"I don't care. Give me either." Buzz said.  
  
"Well, we're not getting off this rock until we repair 42's crystallic fusion cells."  
  
"So, what's the good news."  
  
"That was the good news. The bad news is, all communications are shut-down, so unless there's another way off this rock, we're stuck here forever."  
  
"Forever..." Booster gulped.  
  
"Well, I am, unless I get torn apart or blown up or something. You guys will probably die sooner or later."  
  
"That's comforting," Mira said, sarcastically.  
  
"Alright team," Buzz said, "XR and I are gonna look around the moon. Booster and Mira, you guys stay here."  
  
"And why, may I ask, are we getting left behind?" Mira crossed her arms.  
  
"I need somebody to watch 42. Besides, you don't want to be around me for the rest of the day, do you?" Mira glared at him, but didn't respond. "Then it's settled. Come on, XR."  
  
"Yes sir." XR followed Buzz out the door of 42, shutting it behind him.  
  
"Craters!" Mira exclaimed, slouching back in her chair.  
  
**********  
  
"We went through this cave already," XR said.  
  
"How can you tell, they all look alike to me." Buzz replied.  
  
"You mean you DON'T know where we are!" XR cried.  
  
"Of course I do, I'm Buzz Lightyear, I never get lost."  
  
"Okay, so which way is 42?"  
  
"Umm...back that way," Buzz pointed over his shoulder.  
  
"Buzz, that was the dead end, remember."  
  
"Oh, right."  
  
"Great! We're lost!" XR cried, rolling off in a different direction.   
  
"Where're you going?" Buzz called after him.  
  
"Back to 42, since you have no clue where it is."  
  
"We haven't found a way off this moon yet."  
  
"And we never will at this rate. We're better off getting back to Booster and Mira."  
  
"Look, I'm the commanding officer, I'm the one who says when we can go back."  
  
"You really hate her right now, don't you?"  
  
"Who?"  
  
"MIRA!"  
  
"Oh, her, right. Look, it's not that I hate her it's just...just...ARGGGGG! She makes me so mad sometimes!" Buzz stumbled over a rock and barely caught himself.  
  
"Whoa, Buzz, no need to kill yourself," XR said.  
  
"I'm okay, I didn't see that rock, that's all," Buzz dusted himself off calmly and wobbled.  
  
"You know, you don't look so good all of a sudden. Maybe we should go back."  
  
"For the last time XR, we are not..." Buzz's voice dropped as his vision faded to a dark black.  
  
  
  
**********  
  
"Oh, I can't stand this!" Mira crossed her arms roughly. "Why do we have to stay here?"  
  
"Buzz needs someone to watch 42..." Booster began.  
  
"Buzz needs a better excuse than that for leaving us out. He's just mad cuz I pinned him, that's all."  
  
"Why did you have to clobber him like that?" Booster asked.  
  
"I don't know, Booster, he was practically mocking me. I had to do something."  
  
"He's called you a princess before," Booster pointed out.  
  
"Yeah, but he didn't know me then. At least, he didn't know me as well. We've been his partners for what, a year now. Some married couples haven't even know each other that long, for crying out loud!"  
  
Booster shook his head.  
  
"Besides, he knew exactly what he was calling me and that I wouldn't like it."  
  
"How do you know."  
  
"I just...do."  
  
Mira stood up and began to sway. "Are you okay?" Booster asked.  
  
"Yeah, I just got dizzy all of a sudden."  
  
"You sure," Booster looked concerned. Mira nodded and then stumbled, catching herself on 42's dashboard.  
  
"Okay, scratch that. Something's wrong with me." Mira mumbled.  
  
"I'll go get Buzz," Booster jumped out of his seat and was out of 42 before Mira could stop him.  
  
"What's happening?" Mira asked no one in particular. Her world faded to blackness.  
  
**What will happen next? I think most of you have figured it out by now, but you never know, I may surprize you!** 


	3. Chapter 3: The Scientists Strike Again

AN: Sorry it took like, an eternity to get this posted, lots have been going on and I'm not gonna bore you with the details. Anyways, I don't remember a thing about what the scientists were like, I haven't seen that episode in like forever, so the scientists are not gonna be in character, I repeat NOT gonna be in character!  
All BLoSC characters are property of Pixar and Disney, yada yada yada. Thank you and good night.  
  
Chapter 3: The Scientists Strike Again  
  
If there was a record for sprinting across the surface of an uncharted moon in full ranger equipment on the brink of dusk and meeting up with a shaking, traumatized robot, Booster thrashed it. He had spotted XR a mile away, or at least it seemed like a mile, the little robot was pacing frantically back and forth in front of a large rock. What really scared Booster was the fact that he was alone. Panting slightly, Booster raced up to his friend.  
"I've...been looking...everywhere for you..." he gasped.  
"Booster!" XR cried, "I'm so glad you're here. Buzz passed out."  
"What?" Booster asked, stunned.  
"Yeah, we were just strolling along like everything's fine and then..." XR stopped mid-sentence and changed the subject, "Where's Mira?" he asked.  
"Back at 42, something's really wrong with her, XR."  
"Like what?" "Well, she can't even stand up right, it's like..."  
"Like she's a really tall two-year-old trying to walk for the first time."  
"Yeah." Booster's face turned pale, "You don't think..."  
"Buzz and Mira are morphing into toddlers!" XR concluded.  
Booster looked down strangely at XR. "What?" the robot protested, "It could happen."  
"Alright, XR, we need to take Buzz to 42. Where is he?" "Inside that cave," XR pointed, "or was it that one?"  
"You don't remember?"  
"It was inside a cave, I know that much!"  
"XR! There must be three hundred caves per square yard on this thing." Booster moaned.  
"And they all look alike, too." XR thought for a moment. "Tell ya what," he said, "how about you find Buzz and get him to 42, and I'll find Mira."  
"Okay, that's a... Hey!"  
"Alright, you can find Mira, too."  
"XR! This is serious!"  
"Okay, don't blow a microchip. Let's just get back to the ship and see if Mira's passed out yet. Which way is 42?"  
"Oh, it was...it was..." Booster stuttered.  
"Don't tell me. You don't remember." "I don't remember." Booster said, sorrowfully.  
"I told you not to tell me that!" XR threw up his metal hands in despair. "We're dooooooooomed!" he wailed.  
"We're not doomed, XR." "Booster, we're lost in the middle of an uncharted moon with no way of getting off, two unconscious rangers who we can't find, and that pair of glowing green eyes behind you." XR's eyes widened as he realized what he had just said. Booster looked behind him at the two green lights standing out in the shadows of a cave. A threatening growl echoed through the cave and reached the ranger's ears.  
"We're dooooooomed!" Booster cried as the two rangers ran for their lives.Buzz groaned and sat up, his head throbbed terribly and there was a bump where the back of his head had crash-landed on the floor of the cave. "Where am I?" Buzz asked out loud. The ground felt soft like a blanket and everything was still pitch black.  
"Buzz, is that you?" a familiar voice called out.  
"Mira, what are you doing here?" Buzz asked.  
"Define 'here'."  
Buzz stood up and began to feel for something. "I would if I could see."  
"Hey, I think I found a light switch." Mira said triumphantly. All at once, a bright light flooded Buzz's vision, temporarily blinding him.  
Once his eyes adjusted to the light, he looked around, perplexed at his surroundings. He was standing in the middle of a small room with white walls and a gray carpet. A darker gray couch sat in the corner and gray curtains hung from the windows. A vintage television stood in front of the couch, and it too was a shade of gray. "How did we get here?" Mira asked, more to herself than to Buzz. Buzz glanced sideways at her and then jumped back, startled.  
"Mira, what are you wearing?" Mira looked down at a black and white polka-dotted dress and a pair of black high-heeled shoes. She stared at them for a few moments, her eyes growing wider in disbelief, and then she noticed her once blue hands were now a dark shade of charcoal.  
"What happened?" she asked, to no one in particular. Then she looked up at Buzz. "Whoa. What're you wearing?" Buzz looked down at a black suit and tie; his hands were a slightly lighter shade of gray than Mira's.  
"This is really weird." he said.  
"Weird, Buzz you have hair!" Mira exclaimed.  
Buzz felt the top of his head. Sure enough, a thick mass of short, gray hair wove in and out of his fingers. "Did you think I was bald or something?" he asked Mira.  
"Sort of. I always thought you had that purple hood thing fused to your head." she admitted.  
Any other day Buzz probably would have found this amusing, but he wasn't in the mood for amusement. Something bad had happened to them, he could feel it.  
  
"Something bad is gonna happen to us, I can feel it." XR said.  
"Come on, XR, there's no need to think negatively." Booster attempted to comfort his friend.  
"Well, when there is a need to think negatively, call me."  
Booster poked his head over the boulder they were hiding behind. A giant monster with thick, hairy legs and razor sharp tusks was sniffing the air for any scent of his prey. The beast's black fur hung long and tangled on his huge body and a short, stubby tail wagged in the air.  
"What is that thing?" Booster asked.  
"I think it's some sort of mutated dog." XR said, poking his head over the rock to get a better look.  
"XR, when was the last time you saw a dog with tusks."  
"Okay, Mr. I-Know-It-All-'Cuz-I-Think-Positive, what is it?"  
"It's a giant warthog." Booster replied confidently.  
"A what?"  
"A warthog...you know...a pig with tusks."  
"Booster, when was the last time you saw a pig with a tail like that."  
"Ummm..."  
"My point exactly."  
The monster threw his head back and let out a piercing screech. The two rangers shivered. "Alright, stand back, big guy," XR said, pulling out his complex assortment of weapons.  
"XR, we can't shoot it." "Let me guess, you were in some anti-animal violence committee before you became a space ranger." "No, I just don't think it's a good idea to kill it." "Gimme one good reason," XR crossed his metal arms.  
"Well, it could be someone's pet." "Oh, come on!" XR exclaimed.  
"Or, maybe it's one of the last members of its race, and if we killed it, we would be responsible for wiping out an entire species." "You mean rewarded for wiping out an entire species." Booster glared at XR. "At least do it…humanely. Shoot it with a tranquilizer or something." "One sleeping monster, coming up," XR pulled out an orange-colored pistol and aimed it at the beast. A tiny, orange dart whizzed through the air with deadly accuracy towards the animal's left shoulder. The result was a deafening roar followed by the rumbling and shaking of the animal violent throwing itself against the rocks.  
"I think you made him just a liiiiiiiiittle mad," Booster said.  
"As long as he doesn't see us, we'll be fine," XR reassured himself. As if he had heard XR's comment, the animal turned to face the rangers, cringing in their hiding place, and charged at them.  
"I spoke too soon!" XR exclaimed.   
"Ah, Buzz Lightyear. We meet again." Buzz whirled around, looking for the strange speaker. "Down here. In the television set." Buzz looked down at the ancient TV screen. The technicolor image of a slightly familiar face grinned at him.  
"Buzz, you...know this guy." Mira pointed at the TV.  
"I...think so. But I can't remember exactly."  
"Era!" a voice called out, "I thought we agreed we'd wait one more week!"  
"Wait a minute that name sounds familiar..." Buzz struggled to jog his memory.  
"I know, but the simulation is complete, and they are prepared for the experiment, so I thought..." Era explained to the voice.  
"Experiment..." Buzz said, thoughtfully, "Now I remember, the Chlorm scientists."  
"The what?" Mira asked.  
"Remember that time the LGMs found that implant in my head."  
"After you passed out and let Warp Darkmatter get away and ended up getting suspended. Yeah, I remember."  
"Well, these are the masterminds responsible for that incident." Buzz pointed to the television where three other figures had appeared.  
"Okay, now that we've got that straightened out..." Mira said to the scientists, "What are we doing here?"  
"It's all quite simple, really," Era explained. "We are conducting another experiment, and, since you rangers have proved to be a relatively easy specimen to analyze, we have chosen you."  
"Okay, so, what experiment requires kidnapping us and dressing us like the Cleavers?" Mira demanded.  
"Uhhh...why don't you explain this, Epoch?" Era said quickly.  
"Why me? You're the one who brought them here." Epoch complained.  
"Fine," Era took a deep breath, "After our former acquisitiveness on the dissimilarity between good and evil had been satiated, it became apparent that, despite common knowledge already salvaged from other artifices, we still harbored incongruity and uncertainty regarding the psychological aspects of the interactions between opposing genders, both cerebrally and sentimentally. To alleviate this state of perplexity, we conjured up what we trust you'll find as an enlightening and constructive experiment. With the aid of two microscopic Demodex folliculorum, we contrived to interjaculate an elixir containing chlordiazepoxide and, after you obtained the appurtenant state of animation, we surgically implanted a minute, but potent implement into the cerebral venogram of your brains, rendering us endowed to monitor your cerebration with decisive meticulousness and administering you the perception that you currently reside in an achromic edifice, when substantiality you are positioned in the nucleus of our contemporary laboratory." Era, who had spoken so quickly that all his words seemed to blend together into one indiscernible phrase, ended with an excited flourish.  
"Uhhh, did you understand any of that?" Mira asked Buzz. "Not a word," Buzz replied.  
Era groaned in frustration and barked to the other two scientists, "Eon! Epoch! Set up the slide show!" Eon and Epoch quickly pulled out a small slide projector and held a white sheet in front of it so an image could be displayed. "Now, I…" Era started out the sentence dramatically and ended with a whisper towards Eon and Epoch, "wait, a little to the left," the scientists took a step to the right. "Now, I can explain this in a way your uneducated and inferior minds can … hold on, I said to left." "We did step left!" Epoch whined.  
"No, you're other left, I was mirroring you!" Era bellowed in frustration. Eon and Epoch took one timid step to the left. "Good. Now one more," they took another step. "Thank you, now where was I?" "Uhhh, something about our inferior minds," Buzz said.  
"Right! Now I… No, I didn't mean step right!" Eon and Epoch looked at each other, visibly confused. "Are they a little…" Mira rotated her finger in a circle to the side of her head.  
"Undoubtedly," Buzz whispered back.  
"Oh, I give up, just…just stand there. I'm starting the slide show." Era turned on the slide projector to reveal the male and female symbols. "We are going to study the differences between men and women." "Ohhhhhhhhhhhh…" Buzz and Mira said in unison.  
"Yes, well, in order to do this we adapted these microscopic mosquitoes," the projector switched to the next slide: a diagram of a strange mosquito. Era continued, "To inject into your bodies a sort of er…tranquilizer fluid. This fluid caused specific parts of your brains to be activated," the slide changed to a drawing of a purple brain with a huge red arrow pointing to one side, "while at the same time creating enough fatigue that you…how do I put this…fall asleep. You may have experienced a slight loss of coordination and balance in the process." "Slight! I could barely stand!" Mira exclaimed.  
Era continued as if she hadn't spoken, "Once you were unconscious, we simply installed a microchip into your brains," the slide changed to brain with a green rectangle poking out of it, "making you think you're in a 1950's home, when in reality, it is virtual reality simulation and you're actually in our modern laboratory." "So, while our bodies are lying helpless in your lab, our minds are in this…primitive, black-and-white living room?" Buzz said, thoughtfully.  
"Fascinating, isn't it?" Eon said.  
"Didn't you say something before about…monitoring our cerebration, or something like that?" Mira asked.  
"Oh, yes that." Era said, "The chip also allows us record and analyze your brain waves…uh, read your minds, so to speak." "What kind of insane person would read someone else's mind?" Buzz said.  
"Uh, Buzz, I read minds!" Mira said.  
"No, I didn't mean it that way, I…" Buzz stammered.  
"Actually, our analysis shows that you did." Eon said, looking up from the computer he was working on. Mira crossed her arms and stared fixedly at Buzz. Buzz turned to the scientists, "How long are you planning on keeping us here?"  
"Well, as soon as we obtain sufficient data..." Era said.  
"How long?" Mira said.  
"About three years."  
"Three..." Buzz began.  
"Years?" Mira finished.  
"Give or take a few." Eon said, casually.  
"We're doomed," Mira and Buzz said in unison. 


	4. Chapter 4: Monsters and Blueberry Pies

AN: Kay, this is taking a lot longer than I had anticipated but oh well. Thanx to everybody who reviewed, you guys are awesome! Oh, and I don't own Buzz Lightyear, but you knew that.

Chapter 4: Monsters and Blueberry Pies

XR and Booster raced across the moon's rocky surface, dodging rocks and craters. The roars behind them were getting closer and closer and the rangers were headed straight for a giant cliff.

"Craters!" XR exclaimed, skidding to a stop. "It's a dead end." Out of the shadows, the beast crept up to the rangers, followed by a lion with a dragon-like tail, a winged snake, and a crocodile with numerous legs. "What is this, a mutation convention?" XR said.

"O man! What are we gonna do?" Booster asked, nervously.

"Well, I know what I'm not gonna do. I'm not gonna be the live bait."

"Hey, I've got an idea."

"Does it involve bait?"

"No."

"Voluntary distraction?"

"No."

"Tranquilizer guns?"

"No."

"Then you can count me in, buddy. What's the plan?"

As the ferocious creatures crept toward the rangers Booster quickly whispered his plan to XR.

"That's suicidal!" XR yelped.

"You asked if it involved bait, distractions, or tranquilizer guns you said nothing about suicide."

"Point taken. Well, here goes nothing."

"Sitcom...sitcom...sitcom..."

Buzz sat in the large overstuffed chair, flipping through the channels, his voice had dropped to a bored monotone as he stated the type of show playing on each channel. "Sitcom...sitcom...sitcom...sit..."

Mira groaned and laid down on the couch, "Buzz, give it up already. They're all sitcoms."

"Mira, there are 368 stations on this thing, they can't all be sitcoms."

"And you're gonna look at each and every one until you find something decent to watch."

"Perseverance, Mira. That's what brings even the most hopeless ranger out of the darkest of circumstances."

"Too bad it doesn't work on the most colorless." Mira muttered.

XR and Booster stood mere inches from the edge of the cliff, the strange animals circled around them. The wolf-like creature from before growled and then lunged at them. "Now!" Booster yelled. The two rangers activated their jetpacks and soared into the air. The beasts skidded to a stop, knocking pebbles over the edge. XR whipped out a giant gun and tossed it to Booster.

"Let 'um rip, big guy," his metallic voice echoed through the air. Booster to careful aim and pulled the trigger. A large net flew out of the gun barrel and wrapped itself around the lion-like creature. The beast roared and in one swift motion tore the net to shreds. "I knew I should have gotten the laser net, but nooooooooooooo it's much too dangerous for a robot..."

"XR, lookout!" Booster yelled as the winged snake swooped down towards him, its rattle shaking intensely. It hit XR in the arm and tried to dig its jagged fangs into the metal, but to no avail. With nothing to bite into, the snake slipped of the robot's arm and dropped towards the ground.

"Well, that was easy." XR said.

The crocodile stood up on its four back legs and snapped at Booster's ankle. The Jo-Adian instinctively flew higher, bumping into XR. The crash hooked their wings together and the two rangers struggled sending sparks flying into the air. Booster and XR swerved from side to side, struggling to break free when, suddenly, their jet packs shut off. They looked at each other, and then down at large canyon they were hovering over. And, with the four creatures looking on with surprise, they fell screaming at the top of their lungs.

"Sitcom...sitcom...sitcom..."

"What is it with men and hogging the remote?" Mira muttered to herself. They had spent the last half hour arguing continuously about...everything. The whole time Buzz had been flipping through the channels, knowing full well there wouldn't be anything decent to watch. If Mira hadn't been annoyed with him before, she was now.

Buzz sighed and turned off the TV. "Congratulations," Mira said, "It's been half an hour and already you've found out there is nothing on!"

"I'm getting kinda hungry," Buzz said, walking into another room.

"Uh, Buzz," Mira said, "we're in a virtual reality world."

"Yeah, so."

"So...how do you know there is any food here?"

He shook his head, "Mira, Mira, Mira. I'm Buzz Lightyear. I'm always sure." He threw open the door to reveal a large, vintage-style kitchen complete with a 1950's refrigerator and red and white polka dotted wallpaper.

"How did you know that?" Mira asked, wide-eyed in amazement.

Buzz laughed, "So young; so easily impressed," he said to himself.

Mira scowled and stepped into the kitchen. The two walked over to the fridge and swung the door open, revealing row after row of...

"Pies?" Buzz and Mira said in unison.

"An 8 feet high refrigerator and it's filled with nothing but pies?" Mira said in disbelief.

"Unbelievable. Completely unbelievable...Hey, look they have boysenberry!" Buzz reached into the fridge for a large pie.

Mira grimaced, "Buzz, the filling's black. How do you know what kind of pie it is?"

Buzz sniffed it, "Ranger instinct. You want some."

"No thanks, I'll pass."

"Suit yourself."  
Buzz, holding the pie awkwardly in one hand, walked over to a drawer looking for a knife. As he walked, some of the gooey, black filling dripped onto the floor. Not finding a knife, he turned to look through another drawer and slipped on the filling. The pie flew out of his hands and landed with a messy splat on top of Mira's head.

For a minute the room was silent. Dark goop dripped down Mira's face and hair. She smacked her lips, "Actually," she said, "its blueberry." Buzz began to laugh, it started as a soft chuckle and by the time Mira interrupted him, had crescendoed into nothing short of a dull roar. "What's so funny?"

"You should...you should see yourself!" Buzz said between laughs.

Mira grinned and pulled another pie out of the fridge and smartly pushed it into Buzz's face. "Right back at ya," she said with a smile.

Buzz wiped the creamy filling from his face and dashed toward the pies. Mira predicted his move, grabbed a pie in one hand, a can of whipped cream in the other, and squirted Buzz with the whipped cream. She then darted behind an overturned table. Buzz flung what looked to be an apple pie at her retreating form, hitting her in the shoulder. From there, there was no turning back. The pie war of the ages was beginning.

Both combatants proved to be dangerous components. Buzz stationed himself behind the trashcan, which, fortunately, was empty, and Mira turned the table on its side and ducked behind it. They each had to make frequent runs to the opened refrigerator to restock their ammunition. Strangely enough, the more pies they threw at each other, the more pies appeared in the fridge. Strawberry, blueberry, apple, chocolate crème, thousands of pies rocketed through the air like bullets. For awhile, nothing could be seen but silver tins streaking through the air, often coming into contact with the counter or a hapless photo hanging from the wall.

Mira shot a banana cream pie at Buzz, he ducked and it met the wall with a slap, sliding like a snake down the wall. Buzz returned fire with a cheesecake that hit the table with such force pieces of cheesecake flew everywhere. By the time Buzz and Mira collapsed exhausted on the floor they, and the rest of the kitchen, were covered with gooey pie filling.

Mira laughed, "Look at us," she said, "we're covered in this stuff!"

Buzz picked up an empty pie tin and looked at his reflection. Yup, his features were almost indiscernible behind a thick layer of pie filling. With one finger, he scooped some of the gooey mess off his face and into his mouth.

"Ewww, Buzz, that's gross!" Mira exclaimed.

"What," Buzz replied, "I'm still hungry!"

AN: That whole pie scene was my lil tribute to the pie fight in the movie The Great Race. Now, please review and give me any comments you may have. Come on, you know you want to...


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